What I Didn’t Expect on My Eating Disorder Recovery Journey

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week will be celebrated February 22nd through the 28th. Every year the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) holds this special week to raise awareness and education around eating disorders, and when I first began my recovery journey, I did not know such an event existed. I had no idea that there was an entire community out there to help support me through such a trying time and that I wasn’t alone.  It felt good to be able to find a support system that understood and could say “me too” when talking about how I felt and what I was struggling with.  A group to completely embrace me and my recovery and hold my hand along the way was exactly what I needed.  On top of that, an entire week to shed light to the issue as well as share my story was even better.

Once I found “my crew”, I quickly noticed how triggering most conversations were with people that were not in recovery, including my entire family.  I noticed wanting to distance myself further and would get frustrated every time someone would mention the slightest thing regarding food, weight, or even health related.  As if the eating disorder had not isolated me enough, my recovery was now driving an even bigger wedge right down the middle of my immediate family and loved ones.  This was not what I had expected.  I had wanted to recover so I could be present and available and participate in life WITH my family and friends.  I did not want to push them further away, and yet, that’s what I was doing. 

I went back to the drawing board and started doing research on how to educate my loved ones and how to change their conversations, but I came up blank.  There was so much information out there on how to recover, the importance of recovery, and awareness of how serious eating disorders are, but there was no information on why the rest of the world was completely ignorant on eating disorders and the triggers surrounding them.  There was little information to help me navigate through “diet talk” and weight stigma, only tips to avoid such talk and how to stay on track.  How can you avoid such talk without cutting out the people you love?  How can you not be frustrated when that is ALL everyone talks about ALL the time?  Well the short answer is you cannot.  You cannot stay hidden and avoid conversations around everything that triggers you for the rest of your life.  That is not healthy.  You can only educate yourself on how to gracefully educate them, when topics arise that make you uncomfortable.  You can communicate your feelings and explain that conversations about diets and weights make you feel alone and like you are not heard.  Total avoidance, however, is impossible.

So that is what I did.  I communicated.  I voiced every time a conversation made me uncomfortable.  I shared my feelings every time something was said that triggered a behavior or an obsessive thought.  I shouted from the rooftop that I was in recovery and everyone needed to take a step back and think before they spoke.  Then something else that I did not expect happened, I was met with feedback.  My family and friends began communicating with me on how certain things I said made them uncomfortable and they did not know how to communicate with me either.  They were telling me how they felt like I was a stranger even more than when my eating disorder was active and that they felt they could not do anything right.  They communicated their love and support and desire to want to be here and help, but also shared how all of this was making them feel alone and scared and incapable. 

I had been so focused on my recovery and what I needed to do for myself that I had totally skipped over how my family and friends might be feeling and struggling as well.  And that is okay, that is allowed, for a time.  In the beginning of recovery, we must focus on ourselves and what we need to do to survive to get past the darkness.  It is necessary.  It is required.  However, we cannot just camp out and stay there.  We must grow.  We must learn coping mechanisms and skills and grow in our recovery to be able to prosper.  We must allow grace for those around us and realize that they have been walking this journey with us, whether we realized it or not.  Just like we expect our loved ones to look past our errors and faults, we must offer the same courtesy. 

Suddenly when I realized that we were all in this together, and this was not just my journey of recovery and healing, but theirs as well, things changed.  Things became easier, happier, and more manageable.  I thought I had a supportive crew before, made up of those that were also in recovery.  Well now I had an entire army.  I had people that supported me because they got it, and people that had no clue what they were doing, but they were there with me too.  So, this year, for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, make sure you acknowledge your “crew”.  All of them.  Even the ones that do not 100% get it but are trying anyway.  Because they are so important to your recovery and future.  They deserve a shout out for making this journey too.

Contributed by Ashley Fairbanks, Eating Disorder Treatment & Alumni Coordinator, for Focus Treatment Centers, Chattanooga, TN

 

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